


Contact High

by lmontyy



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Developing Relationship, Ellie - Freeform, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Kat - Freeform, Love, Lust, Mild Sexual Content, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, TLOU, The Last of Us - Freeform, Unresolved Romantic Tension, dina - Freeform, dina and ellie, dina x ellie, ellie and dina, ellie and kat, ellie williams, ellie x dina, ellie x kat, the last of us part 2 - Freeform, tlou 2, tlou part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:35:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23153356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lmontyy/pseuds/lmontyy
Summary: Ellie's developing relationship with Dina in the present isn't unaffected by her past relationship with Kat. As her affections for Dina grow, Ellie struggles putting Kat in the past. In fact, Ellie can't seem to forget anything about Kat. But, God, does she love Dina.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie/Kat (The Last of Us)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 173





	Contact High

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the lapse in my writing. Some stuff in real life's been a real pain in the ass, and even though it's tough right now, everybody goes through shit. I talked about it a little more in depth on my Tumblr. But I'm back into my writing groove and I promise there will be more timely uploads!
> 
> This fic is an exploration of Ellie and Kat's previous relationship, and how it leads into Ellie and Dina's future relationship. What transpires between Ellie and Kat is something special to her, but as she begins to realize her affections for Dina, she can't seem to forget experiences with Kat, as much as she wants to. Kat ends up leaving with her family about a year into their relationship, and years later, she's learning to move on with Dina.   
> This probably could've been its own multi-chapter fic, but I've got a list of fics to do so 13,000+ words is gonna have to do for now! haha
> 
> Inspired by many songs, this fic is MAINLY inspired by "Your Love (Deja Vu)" by Glass Animals. I highly suggest giving it a listen!

Ellie could remember clear as day the first time she realized she was in love. Anyone could say that she had been far too young to truly be “in love” with someone. Maybe that was true. But Ellie knew one thing: the love she felt for Riley Abel was far beyond any kind of love she’d ever felt in all her life. It transcended the word “love” entirely.

That same feeling had been few and far between for many, many years in her life following Riley’s death. She had felt void of any kind of love, any kind of emotion.

Following her adventure with Joel, she was able to gain that little piece of humanity back. The embrace of love – a different kind of love – one she’d never had. She was eternally grateful to Joel for filling a void she’d never thought would ever be filled; as long as she would be alive, never once did she think she’d feel that paternal embrace and clarity.

When they’d settled into Jackson at the conclusion of their journey, Joel and Ellie were estranged from the entirety of the community. The adjustment was harder than any obstacle, any length, any fight. The wild was completely merciless, cold and frightening and unknown. In Jackson, there was no wild. Everything was peaceful, warm and welcoming and organized. There was no randomness, no danger at every corner. They lived in a heated, cooled, furnished home with lights and plumbing and refrigeration. The concept was still mind boggling to Ellie. Being out on their own, and even in the quarantine zones, there was never anything close to the luxury they experienced with Tommy and his people.

She had found so much love and support in the community, though.

Everyone would go out of their way to bring treats, bring gifts, bring clothing and weapons, everything you could think of. They left welcome letters and extended invites to them whenever there was any event in town or private event amongst friends. It was enlightening to meet people whose first instinct wasn’t to hurt them, kill them, or even eat them.

The people of Jackson had managed to fill a void that both Joel and Ellie believed would never be filled.

But there was always that _one._ That one grave that was never covered. One only one girl had ever managed to fill.

Joel had called it “those pesky teenage feelings”, Ellie called it pathetic desperation. But maybe she was just too harsh on herself.

Ever since Riley, that feeling of being in love never came. Not easy, at least. It took Ellie a long time to open up socially, even in a friendly manner, to others. Talking to girls had been completely out of the question. But there was no denying that she was starved for love and attention. She was desperate for human connection, a bonding on the same level that she’d had with Riley. She had never dated anyone, not a single person since Riley was alive.

It took over five years for that to change.

Everyone had been so sure that the girl that would’ve changed that would be Ellie’s best friend, Dina, whose relationship with the former was always just too touchy and flirtatious to be seen any other way. For years, the tension between the two friends was palpable at times. Once they grew into sixteen, seventeen, eighteen-year-olds, anyone who saw them would’ve thought they were together, or hooking up, or a secretly Romeo-and-Juliet type of relationship. There were clearly underlying laces of romance and lust and love and a confusing mix of deep emotion that neither of them could figure out.

They were a classic case of the two kids in love but too clueless and scared to face it and figure it out.

And it just so happened that another girl came in the middle of it, and thus, the classic story of the two kids in a clueless love, both with on and off significant others, stuck in a messy love triangle that led to nothing but anguish until someone gave out and dropped out of the picture. It turned out exactly as expected.

***

“You coming to Jesse’s party tonight?”

Ellie was no stranger to the sweet, honeyed voice of her best friend asking her out to one of the community’s infamous parties – it was a frequent occurrence.

“So I can watch you get shit-faced drunk and yell at your boyfriend, pull you guys apart, babysit you and then end up dragging your blacked out ass home at two in the morning?” Ellie’s eyebrow quirked with deadpanned amusement. “Thanks, but no, thanks.”

“Oh, come on, you love me,” Dina’s voice was sultry and teasing. “What if I promise to get slightly _less_ drunk this time?”

Ellie rolled her eyes as the smaller girl purposely brought her horse closer to hers. “You’re funny. I’d rather stay home.”

An exaggerated and irritated groan sounded from beside her, but Ellie’s eyes were glued to the woods in front of her, a smirk taped to her lips.

“You’re so frustrating,” Dina pouted. “What are you gonna do instead? Sulk up in your room for the whole night? Play your banjo?” She loved to tease Ellie by calling her guitar, a gift from Joel, her “banjo.” It dug into her skin and caused Ellie agitation, and God how Dina loved to piss her off.

“It’s not a banjo, asshole,” She immediately shot back, tugging her horse’s reigns out of frustration, in the opposite direction of Dina’s close proximity beside her. “And you can beg and cry all you want but you’re on your own tonight.”

“Did I hit a soft spot, Red?” The way the words rolled off her tongue sent a shiver down Ellie’s spine. That nickname was always so teasing and conniving and _stifling_ – she could feel the heat laced within them. “Did I piss you off? Oh, I’m sorry,” she toyed with mock remorse. The voice was so patronizing and teasing. “How could I ever make it up to you?”

Ellie hated the responses that her mind conjured to Dina’s question. She shifted her legs uncomfortably.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she wrinkled her nose and furrowed her brows at her shorter best friend. Brushing off the vulgar thoughts that plagued her mind, she repositioned herself. “I’ll be fine at home with my guitar. You won’t have to worry about me.”

“Why are you so boring?”

“If I was boring,” Ellie’s voice was patient and slow, sultry like Dina’s. “You want me around, would you?” Dina was silent for a moment, and Ellie turned to look her square in the face. “You gotta want me around for something, right?”

There was a flicker of something in Dina’s eyes. But that little indicating, provocative glimmer sent Ellie into a state of humility and fear, and suddenly she was immediately backing down and turning away, eyes back to the path in front of her. The flirtatiousness in her voice had completely dissipated, and so had Dina’s pestering.

“You’re no fun,” Dina huffed, crossing her arms in utter defeat. “Everyone’s gonna be there, you know. Even some of the new people.” She gave one last pitiful attempt at convincing her to go.

“You think that’s supposed to make me go?”

Ellie’s scoff prompted a wince from Dina. When Ellie turned and saw the disappointment in Dina’s eyes, something caved within her. Her confidence in her choice to avoid the party was breaking. There was that tempt from the unspoken words behind her eyes.

With a sigh that turned Dina’s face like a card from disappointment to excitement, Ellie mumbled the words “we’ll see” before leaving the rest of the ride back silent, glancing back every so often to an unbroken smile on the face of the girl on the horse just behind her.

***

_“Come on, you big nerd!” That sweet voice sounded from across the street. “Don’t be a pussy!”_

_Ellie was only fifteen when she met Kat. She had blonde hair that reached down to her lower back, sky blue eyes, light freckles littering across her cheeks, and a classic dark birth mark centered on her right cheek. She wore tank tops, flannels, ripped jeans, boots, and occasionally hoodies. She was a few months older than Ellie._

_“No, I’m good,” Ellie refused with a hand up. “You can go right ahead; I’m not touching it.”_

_They were always together. Before Dina came along, it was always Ellie and Kat. And Ellie couldn’t deny the massive wave of feelings that swept over her every time Kat was around._

_“It’s just a fuckin’ bug,” Kat crouched down, hovering her face just a foot or two away from the monstrously large spider that set quietly, mind its own business, on the hot pavement and gravel. “It’s not gonna eat you or something.”_

_“I’m not taking any chances,” She played, taking a large step away from the girl a few yards away. “You’re crazy.”_

_Kat was fearless – there was next to nothing she was afraid of. She could pick up cockroaches and beetles like it was nothing, she could hold a dead animal as well as she could hold a live one, and she could take the hardest falls and get back up without a scratch. She had confidence Ellie only dreamed of having._

_When Kat reached down to pick up the spider, who began to squirm and try and wriggle itself free, Ellie groaned audibly, making a disgusted noise to accompany her revulsion._

_“You are the most disgusting motherfucker I’ve ever met, dude,” Ellie muttered and looked away, unable to watch the wiggling legs of the spider flail any longer._

_Kat’s hysterical laughter was the only sound to follow. Her laughs came right from her belly, and the spider dangled in a panic as she continued to hold it as she laughed. “Oh, shut up, you’re just a big pussy.” Kat spurt out as her laughter subsided into painful chuckles._

_Ellie didn’t take well to that name. The frustration building up in her, she stubbornly stomped over to Kat’s location and put her hand out._

_With a look up at her in confusion, Kat quirked an eyebrow. “Yes, my lady?” She asked with a teasing tone, her words too elegant and playful for Ellie’s liking._

_“Give it to me.”_

_Another laugh erupted from Kat’s throat. “Give you the spider? Didn’t you just call me crazy and disgusting? Why should I give it to you?”_

_“Just give me the fucking thing,” Ellie demanded, her eyes glued shut with both hands cupped out and extended toward Kat and the crawling spider._

_With palpable hesitation, Kat sighed through her smile. “Okay, Ells, suit yourself.”_

_When the creature was placed in Ellie’s hands, it took every single ounce of restraint in her body not to scream bloody murder, throw the spider, step on it, kill it, and then sock Kat in the face. Her teeth were clenched so hard she thought they would break in her mouth, eyes shut so tight she could see the veins in her eyes behind her lids._

_“Oh, come on!” Kat’s laughter was infuriating. “Open your eyes, you baby!”_

_She forced her lids to part just millimeters, fighting against her automatic reaction to hold her eyes shut tightly. But when her eye cracked open and she saw the spider sitting there patiently in her palms, her knee-jerk reaction dissipated, and slowly but surely, she was opening her eyes again._

_“See?” The smaller girl swayed her to watch the spider with large, scared eyes. “Not so bad after all.”_

_As Ellie was able to take a quick look at the ugly thing in her hands, she glanced up to the blonde girl who watched the spider with pride as Ellie continued to hold it silently. Those blue eyes that met hers with grace were sparkling with admiration, and it infected Ellie. A smile grew across her lips, and as she watched the girl in front of her, she hardly paid any mind to the spider splayed across her palms._

_She would never admit it to herself, but she knew that her feelings for Kat were much more than friendly – she’d only felt this way about Riley. Her conquest with Riley had only been maybe two years prior, but her effect still lingered on Ellie._

_Riley Abel made Ellie nervous to ever fall in love again._

_Kat had always made that notion of staying on her lonesome excruciatingly difficult. Everything the girl did just made it harder and harder for her to stay away. Ellie knew she was dangerous, but yet, she couldn’t help herself. And she never knew how much it would hurt her when she left._

_But that’s when Dina came into the picture._

_“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Ellie mumbled after she’d completely calmed. “Just take it, will ya?” She extended her arms out to Kat, hoping she’d remove the spider from her hands._

_“Sure thing, chicken,” Kat sneered playfully, picking up the spider and looking toward the park, which was only a few blocks up the street._

_When she started walking, Ellie, like the puppet on a string she was, automatically moved to follow her. She admired the structure of the girl in front of her absentmindedly as they continued toward the park. Within moments, she had no conscious view of where she was going – she was just staring deeply into the body at her front._

_A thin figure, long blonde hair falling around her shoulders and climbing down her back. Thin, dancing legs that supported a small set of hips. Hips that swayed back and forth as she walked, and Ellie couldn’t help the feeling she got at her core watching her walk in that naturally seductive manner that could and would drive anyone crazy with desire._

_Just being anywhere near her, seeing her, touching her, smelling her, she got a contact high from her._

_“Here’s a good spot,” Kat’s sweet voice cut through her thoughts like a knife, and Ellie nearly bumped into her from behind, unaware she’d stopped as she wandered in thought._

_Crouching down like she did on the side of the road, she placed her hands gently against the dirt, tilting down, making a path for the spider that took a moment to realize where it was. Upon registering the earth just at its feet, it slowly began to crawl out of Kat’s warm palms and onto the cold dirt below. It sat happily in the grass as Kat got back to her feet._

_“I’m proud of you, Williams,” she praised, a teasing tone riddled in her voice, the smirk present on her face. “For once, you might’ve been braver than me.”_

_“For once,” Ellie scoffed back._

_Kat shot her a wink. “For once.”_

_Ellie was rendered a complete fool under that wink. She was falling at a rate that was so fast, so sudden, that she couldn’t stop it._

_And for once, she didn’t fight it._

***

Ellie couldn’t explain how desperate she was for affection. Years and years and years had gone by and she was still alone, never touched, never caressed, never given any kind of romantic attention. She was never like that – not during her childhood or her early teenage years. But when she grew, that need began to grow and the absence of it – the ever-growing void – became a painful burden.

Kat had left the community just short of two years ago with her cousins to find their own way in the world. Or at least, that’s how Kat had put it to a devastated, sixteen-year-old Ellie, who was completely ruined after her leave.

There were no hard feelings between the two when Kat went off with her family. She had to choose between them and her, and besides Ellie, there was no one really there for Kat to consider. No one she cared about enough to stay in Jackson and abandon her family, letting them loose on a journey in which the world was opened up to them. Kat, by nature, was an explorer. She loved the world and everything it had to offer. That riskiness about her was a strain in her traits that stemmed from her inquisitiveness and her courage.

So, naturally, there was no stopping her. Not even her deep care and love for Ellie.

A part of her was angry and spiteful toward Kat for leaving her. The selfish side of her cursed her name for choosing others over her. But the logical, caring, and reasonable side of her knew that deep down, while Kat had really cared for Ellie, there was no stopping her adventurous heart from exploring the unknown, and finding what she had been wanting for so long.

Ellie never knew what she had been looking for. She was convinced that Kat herself didn’t even know.

Just as Kat was leaving, a girl that had started living in Jackson a few months prior had started maneuvering her way into Ellie’s life. That black-haired, freckled girl that reeked of confidence and appeal, the same one who had slowly but surely become somewhat of a crutch for Ellie during her hardships and her ups and downs with Kat. That girl became her best friend very quickly as Kat left. Where Kat exited, Dina entered. And so, began the cycle all over again.

She tried to convince herself that her insistent infatuation with Dina was only out of desperation – the idea of admitting that it was more than just a crush, that she might’ve been falling in love was too terrifying to even entertain.

There was no doubt of the flirtatious nature of their relationship. At first, despite the sultriness of Dina’s attitude, there was no tension or feeling, at least not on Ellie’s part. She watched Dina tear through boyfriend after boyfriend, fling after fling, while she stood awkwardly on the sidelines with a heaving pain in her chest that she hated to admit she had.

Two years after Kat left, and Ellie liked to believe she’d moved on.

Those same memories haunted her sometimes, leaving her crippled with regret and stained her tongue with a sour taste as she remembered the selfish resentment that she held against the girl for leaving her. But after two years of processing Kat’s decision and desperately trying to understand it, she found herself moving on, infatuated with a new girl and living a better life with a stronger relationship with Joel.

Dina was definitely different from Kat in the sense that she had picked up on Kat’s reciprocation of her feelings over time as they got closer. With Dina, it was impossible to tell. There were times where Ellie thought she may have caught on to a hint of adoration, love, and definitely lust, but at the end of the day, that fire went out and turned to ash.

The painful truth of it all was that Dina had never even shown any interest in girls, let alone interest in anyone other than Jesse. She had plenty of her week-long ex-boyfriends that never went anywhere past a kiss, but never did she show the interest she showed in Jesse, or even Ellie, in anyone else.

Giving up was seeming like the only option.

Ellie did whatever she could not to indulge too far into her feelings. While she reluctantly admitted that she sometimes longed for Dina’s touch, longed for her attention and sought her affections, she knew to keep a safe distance away from the girl and her dysfunctional relationship. Getting caught up in the middle – which she often did unintentionally – would serve her no purpose but cause tensions between her and her best friend.

So, Dina would remain her best friend and that was the end of it.

But that never stopped Ellie from seeking the thrill of Dina staring intently at her, smirking at her, winking at her, calling her “hot” and complimenting her physique, and flustering her to no end. If Ellie could return the confidence, she would, but it just wasn’t in her code to do so.

A harsh knock on the front door broke her from her spell of thoughts. When she came back to reality, she’d been slumped on her bed, eyes glued to the ceiling as she lost herself in the contents of her mind. Remembering Kat, processing her relationship with Dina, missing the affection and being desperate not to feel alone – it wasn’t an uncommon thought train for the eighteen-year-old.

With a sigh, she lifted herself to her feet, and started out of her room, down the stairs, and to the large wooden door that she opened reluctantly, only to be met with the face of her best friend on the other side.

“Oh, God,” Ellie groaned, prompting an open-mouthed, offended smile from the girl in front of her.

She scoffed with mock disbelief. “Rude.”

“Sorry,” Ellie smirked through her words. “What do you need, Dina? Why have you come to ruin my night _this_ time?”

“Bold words from someone who can’t get enough of me,” Dina teased, letting herself in and throwing her jacket over the top of the couch cushions.

By removing her jacket, Ellie was able to get a good look at feisty girl in front of her. Dina wore a skin-tight black shirt that hung low on her collarbones, long-sleeved and exposing most of her chest. It was tucked into a pair of skinny jeans under a belt that constricted her waist and brought out her slim figure and hips. Her hair was tucked back into her signature bun and she smelled of lavender and honey. Ellie was ashamed to admit the wave of sinful thoughts that rolled over her as she admired a thin waist and shapely hips and thighs.

When Ellie didn’t clap back at her comment, Dina hummed triumphantly. “That’s what I thought.”

A roll of Ellie’s eyes caused a light chuckle to pass Dina’s lips. The smaller girl moved to sit promiscuously on the couch, crossing her legs, resting and elbow against the armrest of the chair, and staring up deeply at Ellie.

“So, ma’am,” her voice was thick and dizzying. Ellie was absolutely ashamed. “What are your plans tonight? A, uh… certain party, perhaps?” The egging from her just heightened Ellie’s senses, her nerves rattling.

“Is that why you came? To harass me again?” She quirked an eyebrow, leaning a shoulder against the wall and crossing her legs.

Dina’s menacing chuckle launched Ellie into the same vulnerability spell she always found herself under around Dina. “You used to love going to these.”

“Yeah, when I was, like, fifteen,” Ellie protested.

“Okay, so, what changed?”

***

_“Don’t be so shy,” Kat tugged on her hand and squeezed her palm. “It’s just a party.”_

_Ellie groaned dramatically, throwing her head back with agony as Kat dragged her closer and closer to the door that was just up the street. Ellie was never a partygoer. She was – while mouthy and bold and sarcastic – very reserved and always opted to keep to herself and away from everyone else._

_“You’re really making me do this,” Realizing there was no way out of it, Ellie just gave up fighting. She brought her head back to eye-level, and she wore a deadpanned look for the rest of the way there._

_Kat laughed audibly; a scoff intertwined with the breath. “You’re literally the biggest baby I’ve ever met.” She turned herself to face Ellie, grabbing both of her hands and holding them in between each other. “Come on, it’s going to be just fine. You’re overreacting.”_

_“Hey, genius,” Ellie’s sarcasm and bitterness were inflamed and boisterous. “Don’t know if you noticed, but I like staying home. I like the peace and quiet.”_

_“Yeah, and that’s why you’re boring,” Kat retorted back, turning back around and holding onto one of Ellie’s hands._

_“You’re mean.”_

_“You know it, baby.”_

_Those parties were the same every single time. All of the teens just gathered to smoke weed, get wasted, have sex, and wake up the next morning like nothing happened. Some of them even had patrol, or guard, or med clinic work to do. But none of that ever seemed more important than having the night to be reckless._

_When they walked in, Ellie was hit with the same scene she witnessed every time. There was loud music shaking the glass of the windows beside the door, there were red cups all over, the smell of pot and fireball hit her like a six-ton truck. Immediately, she found herself in a position of discomfort._

_A flow of guilt swept over her, picturing Joel’s face, plagued with disappointment in Ellie for attending the party. She knew that was the last place he wanted her. Every part of her wanted to turn and run back home. But her better judgment and need for Kat’s approval were the only things keeping her feet on the ground and her ass in that house._

_“Hey, guys!” Jesse came to the door to greet them. A red cup glued to his hand; the tall boy reeked of alcohol. “Fashionably late again, Kat?” He shot her a smirk and she reciprocated one back._

_“Yes, sir,” She brushed him off with her hand. “Let us in, asshole.”_

_Stumbling gently, he moved himself over to let them in. The party scene, that same familiar one that she’d been dragged to countless times before, hit her in the face. Wrinkling her nose at the intertwining smells of weed and beer, she glanced over to see Kat only embracing it._

_The night moved around them faster than anything. It felt as if time was sped up. Kat, of course, had started to get plastered by the end of the night. Admittedly, Ellie tried not to drink too much, but the few puffs she smoked from Kat’s joint had depressed her anxiety, and a giddy feeling jumped around in her stomach._

_At one point, she had found Jesse again, a small girl she’d never seen before tucked under his shoulder and the same plastic gup still stuck in his hand. He was leaning up against the counter, chatting away with some friends. When she looked over, the small black-haired girl had been watching her with an intense stare. Awkwardly, she always brought her head away, eyes darting around to find anything else to focus on._

_“Having fun, Freckles?” That teasing, slurred voice prompted her to turn immediately. She was met with the smirking face of a drunk Kat, cheeks light with color from the alcohol consumption. Her walk was sloppier than usually, but her hips still moved in that same way that drove Ellie crazy._

_“As much fun as I expected to have,” Ellie replied, bored. She had lost her cup somewhere in the house._

_Kat looked dumbfounded. “You’d still rather be home, huh?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_With an amused roll of her eyes, Kat grabbed a hold of her wrist. “Well, Ms. Peace and Quiet, let’s go find some, then.”_

_Setting her drink down on the island counter, Kat quickly pulled Ellie to the stairs. Ellie could feel the eyes of the new girl burning into her as Kat dragged her away. She led her up the stairs and into the guest bedroom that was plain and default. Closing the door and leaning back against it with a sigh, Ellie watched all the strain from Kat release through her breath._

_“You might be right,” Kat glanced over at Ellie, who had carefully made her way to the bed and sat on the edge of it. “A little bit of quiet is nice sometimes.”_

_Kat was terribly intoxicated. She could sense the drunken heat radiating off of her from across the room. Ellie just wasn’t that surprised._

_When Ellie didn’t respond, Kat watched her with a drunk curiosity, making her way over and planting herself on the bed beside her. The weed was buzzing through Ellie’s system, the high impairing her ability to sense the tension ripping between them. Kat’s eyes were hungrily taking her in, yet Ellie couldn’t even process the look, dripping with seduction, being burned into her skin._

_“Maybe I’m just drunk,” Kat’s voice was shaky with hesitation, but slurred from the alcohol. “But you’re really hot.”_

_Everything in Ellie’s body froze. The high that she felt suddenly came crashing down to reality, to Kat’s words. Her whole body experienced a flash of heat, and the shock rendered her wide-eyed. Ellie couldn’t have been more taken aback._

_“Uhm… what?” In her haze, she could hardly react. She hardly knew what to say. Her body’s only reaction was to flush and spike with blood at the implication._

_She didn’t really get an answer. Not one that made sense, anyway. Because before she could really do anything, Kat was leaning in and pressing her lips roughly to her own. Ellie’s body turned to ice in that moment, and everything in her world came crashing down around her like meteors hitting the Earth._

_When Kat pulled away, she barely gave Ellie time to breathe before she was drunkenly kissing her again, pressing over and over against plump lips, urging a response out of them. It took a brief moment until Ellie was pushing back against her, lips relieving all of the pent-up stress and tension that had built over nearly a year of infatuation and adoration. All of the emotion she felt rising in her all of the time; it all came surging out like a wave._

_Kat’s lips were sweet and salty from the night of drinking and sweating; the hard alcohol and taste of grape from a thick wine she must’ve sucked down just minutes before their encounter was potent and strong on her. It was dizzying to Ellie. She was getting drunk off the taste of the alcohol mixed with the flavor of her lips._

_It took mere moments for their kiss to heat up, with Kat dragging a tongue along a bottom lip and Ellie’s hands grabbing hard at her thighs and hips._

_Part of Ellie was screaming to stop, knowing the repercussions of hooking up drunk like that, and the other part had yearned for Kat’s touch, the taste of her lips, the feeling of her body and just couldn’t bring herself to stop. She knew Kat was drunk, she knew she might not even remember it in the morning, but those teenage senses, that hungry desire for lust and sexual attention had her giddy and her stomach flipping around in her body._

_Kat was scooting closer then, hands getting bold and finding toned abs through her shirt. Tracing the lines underneath, she felt the smirk pressed against her lips as her fingertips admired the defined muscle that had started to form as she grew older._

_“Okay, Williams,” Kat’s thick, sultry voice echoed through her head, bouncing off the inside of her skull and sending shocks down her spine. “I see you.” In between kisses as she spoke, her hands fell hard against her toned abdomen, impressed by its shape._

_Ellie couldn’t help but smile shyly, staring into raging blue eyes before she was being pulled into another kiss. Kat’s other hand found the back of her neck as she tugged her forward, hand still splayed against her abdomen and Ellie’s still anxiously placed against thin hips. She couldn’t have asked for a better moment._

_But in that second, she could feel the dizziness reaching an uncomfortable peak. The excitement of the moment had her heart racing all too fast, had her stomach turning and her eyesight shaking through her lids. She knew she smoked too much, drank too much, and her usually innocent, sin-free body was way too compromised. The excitement from the kiss had just been pushing her body over the edge. When the pushing against the walls of her stomach got to a point, Ellie ripped her lips away and stared in panic at the confused girl in front of her._

_“I think I’m gonna be sick,” she mumbled, standing up to run to the bathroom just to the left of them, and diving for the toilet, landing hard with her knees against the tile and vomiting up into the toilet._

_Kat found her way over and held the doorframe for support, cackling amusedly as her friend puked up. “Was it that bad, Freckles?”_

_Ellie started to laugh and protest her before more violent gagging and spittle came up the back of her throat and out into the toilet bowl. The action rose more laughs out of the girl at the door._

***

It had taken nearly a half hour for Ellie to give in to Dina’s incessant begging. But, unfortunately, it worked.

Ellie never regretted much. But when Dina was pulling her in the door of their friend Matt’s house, Ellie suddenly regretted every decision she ever made in her life.

Matt’s house was on the end of the Jackson, the wall to left and the house next door vacant. It was a fortunate situation for everyone, especially the teens like Dina who invested most of their downtime at parties or trying to live their life to the fullest. Ellie never understood it, but she’d analyzed that their destructive, risky behavior was a result of their deadly environment, and she knew the reasons for their martyrdom to the party life was simply a last-ditch effort to live their life to the most normal, exciting way before most of them would be killed off at a younger age than they deserved, but Ellie just dismissed it as reckless and kept to herself.

All of the parties they constantly threw in Jackson, all of them brought back the memory of Kat. No matter the house, the host, or the attendees, Kat always fluttered in the air among the smoke from the joints, and Ellie could smell her at the bottoms of the plastic cups and in the sweet, strong alcohol. There was no escaping her scent, her liveliness, her commitment to the parties. Being reminded of it every time she went out was an unfortunate side effect of Kat’s destructive impact on her life. She tried to avoid the feeling of anger she got every time she smelled the wine that had once plagued on her lips, years ago, in Jesse’s guest bedroom.

Even smelling the weed agitated her, as much as she liked to smoke every once and a while. On the rare occasions that Dina managed to drag her to a party, Ellie definitely liked the feeling of letting go into the smoke. It made her forget everything and helped her indulge in the recklessness of the environment around her a little more. But she was always cautious of how much she smoked, just in case she ever ended up in a similar situation with a different girl–

“You doing okay there, Red?” Dina popped into her line of view with two of the infamous plastic cups, one in each hand, and when she extended one to Ellie, she smirked deviously. “I picked your poison tonight, cutie.”

The name she called her painted her face a rosy color, and with an embarrassed frown, she took the cup from Dina’s hands and brought it to her lips. The old, rustic grape flavor slapped her across the face, setting her mind back again. A furrow of her brows prompted another grin from the shorter girl in front of her.

“What’s the matter? Can’t handle it?” Her patronizing tone stung Ellie like a hornet.

With a glare and a rush of confidence, she brought the cup back up and tilted back, letting the thick wine swallow her mouth whole in the taste of the grape and the memories that plagued her as she took down the entire drink in a few seconds.

When Ellie pulled the glass away from her lips with a pained, mangled sigh of relief, she saw Dina’s eyes widened at her in shock and astonishment.

“Wow, Williams,” Dina marveled, a smirk splaying slowly across her lips, her eyes shooting her up and down and igniting a deep flame in Ellie’s body. “Impressive. Where’d you learn to hold your liquor?”

The memories surged back from Kat basically raising her in the frequent parties they attended while they were younger. Countless nights of Kat chugging whole bottles of wine and downing beers in under six seconds. Ellie quickly learned from her, starved for approval of both her and her friends. And after almost two years of training, Ellie was almost just as good as Kat when she wanted to be.

“An old friend,” she shrugged it off with a small grin.

Dina nodded her head, still incredibly impressed. She hummed with approval. “Your friend’s damn good.”

Ellie’s face scrunched at the aftermath of the wine settling in her stomach, a thick, flavored burp crawling its way back up her throat. The sour taste in the back of her mouth and the response on her face had Dina giggling with amusement.

“Looks like you need more practice.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ellie dismissed her with a wave of her hand and a smirk. “Whatever.”

“Well,” Dina’s voice was drawn out. “Maybe if you _came_ to these a little more, you’d take your title back.”

“There was never a title to begin with,” she shot back.

“Oh, really?” Dina’s brow shot up devilishly. Ellie was left regretting everything again.

Taking a few steps over to the cooler, she pulled out two large beers, holding the icy, dripping cans up in the air and in the next second, the entire floor was hers as she called the attention of everyone around them.

The music dimmed and the entire room turned to face the girl with the devastating smirk in the center of the room. She hopped up on the couch and held up the beers.

“I think it’s about time we have ourselves a little competition,” Dina announced with a mirthy smile as the crowd clapped and wooed slightly. “Our good friend Ellie Williams over here –” she made a show of pointing a beer can over in her direction. “–is a damn good drinker, and anyone who’s up to challenge better step up.” When Dina turned to glance at her, Ellie’s eyes were the size of the moon and her head shook back and forth in an utter panic. Her shyness was closing in on her. “I just witnessed her chug an entire full cup Muscat in seconds. Who’s up to challenge with these?” Again, she rose the two cans, attempting to lure a partygoer into a battle Ellie wasn’t too confident she could win.

But when Jesse took a step forward through the crowd of people, plastic cup in hand, and a grin on his face, Ellie knew there was no backing down now.

“I got this,” he said with a bragging smile. He was a very good drinker, and everyone knew it.

There it was – a sweeping confidence that stemmed from a place of pure jealousy and dominance. There was Kat, within her, in her mind, in her attitude. The spirit of the party, the fun of the recklessness was consuming her, and suddenly, she was seeing everything in a different light. Suddenly, it became fun, and she slipped away into the soul of the party.

Dina’s boy toy. On and off, back and forth, upside down and right-side up. They were constantly fighting, constantly arguing, and even then, they weren’t together. They’d hook up and not speak for weeks, only to argue at a party or hook up again. Their relationship was never one to admire. And Dina only cared for the attention, at the end of the day, and Ellie knew that.

But she was more than determined to one-up him for Dina’s attention, that much was for sure.

All of the shyness disappeared from Ellie’s demeanor, and she stepped forward with her shoulders squared to face the taller boy. She faked friendliness, because Jesse was her friend, but there was nothing but the desire for triumph – the dominance over him.

Dina stepped down from the couch, the cheering surrounding the two challengers holding a sly grin across her face. When Jesse came forward to take one of the beers from her hand, Dina didn’t look him in the eyes, and the mirthful smile turned into a look of disdain as she rolled her eyes when she walked away. In contrast, when she went to Ellie to give her the other beer, she gave her a sweet, dashing smile. Ellie didn’t miss eyes that roamed her up and down for just a moment before turning away.

Ellie looked to Jesse who gave his opponent a smile in hopes of good luck, but Ellie didn’t return it. She kept her eyes glued to his drink.

“We ready, ladies?” She asked, verbally jabbing at her ex-boyfriend which erupted a glare from his confident features.

When the countdown from the smaller girl ended, Ellie ripped the can open, popping the metal off with force enough to send it flying off the can and onto the floor, prompting cheers from the crowd as they both raised the cans to their lips, tilted their heads back as far as they could go, and began to swallow the drink whole.

Ellie’s face scrunched shut as the overwhelming taste consumed her entire mouth. The liquid pouring down the back of her throat stung painfully, and it took every effort she had not to stop drinking immediately and cough out whatever was left in her mouth. But she knew she couldn’t lose, and she refused to accept anything but triumph.

The crowd cheering around her was the only thing keeping the drink flowing through her senses and dropping like an anvil in her stomach. Just for a moment did Ellie squint her eyes to see Dina eagerly watching the challenge, taking in Ellie as she impressively held her stance and continued to drink with seemingly no trouble at all. Dina took the sight in hungrily. It almost threw Ellie off for a moment, but she shut her eyes again and concentrated on taking all of the drink in.

Time went by so tediously but before Ellie even knew it, the flow of the beverage stopped and instinctively she ripped the can away from her lips and swallowed the last mouthful stuffed in her cheeks. Panting with victory, she spun her head to find Jesse still chugging his drink like the challenge was still happening. She cheered with triumph, prompting a wide-eyed Jesse to tear the metal away and stare at her, floored.

All of the kids surrounding them hooted and hollered, and Jesse’s friends pushed him around, mocking and teasing him for his defeat. Ellie didn’t have anyone to turn to, but when thin arms wrapped around her to congratulate her, she melted into the warmth that soon turned hazy as the alcohol rested longer in her body.

“Good job, Red,” the sultry voice plagued her mind and the hot breath against her neck was all too intimate. Before Ellie could sink into the hug from the smaller girl, Dina quickly pulled away to hold Ellie’s hand up, dropping the dented can to the floor. “Looks like we have a winner!” Again, more cheers sparked throughout the group.

It was after that challenge and her victory over Jesse that the party swallowed Ellie whole. She completely let herself go – let herself sink into the spirit and thrive like a fish in water. And Dina couldn’t get enough of it.

Ellie was taking down cans of beer and drinking the sweet, sorrowful wine, and taking hits off of joints from everyone she knew or could find with a blunt in their hand. There was finally a thing she could have in common with all of the disastrous teens around her. Despite her detachment from them, she could finally begin to understand just what it was that they found so addicting about the feeling of letting go for a night.

Dina couldn’t keep her hands off of her. Her best friend was dancing with her, grabbing her waist and pulling her around, leaning up into her, dragging her hands up her arms and chest and it was all just so dizzying. The hazy feel of the alcohol absorbed in her system, and the pot submerging her brain in smoke. The feeling of Dina all around her completely drowning her.

There was one moment in particular that Ellie struggled to comprehend as the night went on. During a song, one she failed to recognize, heavy with bass and seductive in nature, Dina had pulled her to the dancefloor without warning, and she moved Ellie’s hands down to her hips and the small of her back, while her arms wrapped around her neck gingerly. The look behind Dina’s eye was just so tantalizing and hungry that it reeled Ellie right in, and before she knew it, she was drowning in those murky, dark lakes she had for eyes. Eyes that glittered with an unknown hunger that was clawing at her pupils, desperate to be sated.

At some point during the dance, Ellie instinctively leaned her head down to touch her forehead to Dina’s. The smaller girl’s eyes opened, and her lips parted, almost as if she were waiting for something. But even with the alcohol buzzing in her system, the reality of the situation hit her and the shyness resurfaced. Dina seemed to have softened, but when she felt the hesitation and nervousness from the given situation radiating from the girl in front of her, she took charge of it.

Ellie barely noticed but eventually Dina had slowly pushed them farther off the dancefloor and a cold countertop hit against her bottom, startling her softly, but she didn’t dare take her forehead from Dina’s. Dina had her gently pinned up against the counter, Ellie’s hand reaching out to help her balance against the sudden barrier but the other still holding tightly onto her hip. Dina’s arms never left from around her neck, and Ellie felt the soft breath pushing against her face heighten at the interaction.

She felt vulnerable up against the counter, and while she very much enjoyed the feeling of Dina’s body pressed up against hers, she also craved the feeling of Dina completely surrendered under her.

It didn’t take much strength or ability to flip their positions, and when she quickly turned them around, Dina’s butt hit against the marble countertop just as Ellie’s had, except harder and with more ferocity. An audible gasp passed the girl’s lips, igniting goosebumps along Ellie’s bare arms. Their lips were just so close in proximity that it was making Ellie lightheaded. The combination of the booze and the intimacy with Dina was fueling her adrenaline, making her giddy with want and prompting her to be bold...

“I can’t take this anymore,” Dina whispered suddenly, cutting off her drunken thoughts with an eye-opening statement that had Ellie’s mind skidding to an abrupt halt.

Ellie wore a frozen, panicked expression immediately picked up by Dina, causing Dina to give a quick look around before taking Ellie’s hand and hastily leading her out and away from the mass of people in the living room, kitchen, and dining area.

Down the hall, they found the stairs and Dina was rushing a perplexed Ellie up to the second floor, dragging her up behind her, captured by the hand. She wasted no time pulling Ellie to the first unlocked bedroom to their left and slamming the door open, shoving Ellie into it and rushing in herself. The door was slammed closed as quickly as it was opened.

Ellie barely had time to breathe before she was being pulled in by the neck and soft lips connected with hers, Dina’s back hitting the door was a slam. Ellie’s hands held the air beside her waist in shock, eyes frozen in time as Dina’s lips desperately clung to her own, and it took a long moment before Ellie found it in herself to overcome her shock and sink into the feeling of Dina’s drunk kisses.

With equal ferocity, Ellie was responding, pushing against Dina with the same fierceness, their teeth clanking and lips pressing so hard she thought they’d be bruised by the end of it. Dina’s hands moved quickly from Ellie’s neck, trailing tantalizingly down her chest, and resting against there.

Sirens went off in Ellie’s head, screaming at her to stop while she was ahead, to think about the choices she was making before succumbing to the moment. Her better judgment that was still tucked away at the back of her mind was quickly overpowered by the drunk, buzzing want that burned in her body – the same one that had been absolutely _craving_ Dina’s touch, Dina’s attention, the taste of Dina’s lips and tongue. There was never a day that went by since she’d moved on from Kat that she didn’t imagine Dina in her bed, in her home, in her arms, under her, above her, everywhere. She wanted Dina so badly.

It didn’t take long for Dina to want _more;_ the desperation was palpable. In between their kisses, Dina finally broke the tension.

“Fuck,” she panted, pressing another desperate kiss to Ellie’s lips, and then another. “I wanted to do this for so fucking long.” Her voice was strained breathy – completely, ravishingly desperate. She didn’t give Ellie time to even process her words, let alone respond, before her lips were on hers again.

Excitement and pride bubbled in her chest, and Ellie couldn’t help the smile that formed as she continued to kiss the shorter girl. They were still up against the door; Dina being pushed farther into it with every stroke of them together. But Dina wanted to change it, and she wanted to change it fast, because once again, before Ellie could even breathe, Dina was shoving her back and the back of her legs hit against the mattress roughly. With a hand to her chest, Dina pushed as hard as she could, sending Ellie crashing into the comforter on her back.

“Scoot back,” Dina urged, the neediness in her voice completely devastating to Ellie’s logical argument. And when Ellie did as she asked, there was no more trial. There was no stopping the loss of restraint when Dina threw a leg over Ellie’s hips and sat with her hands on her chest, looking down, eyes dripping with desire.

Ellie couldn’t even process a sentence, especially not when Dina started to slowly rock her hips in a motion that drove Ellie absolutely batshit crazy. The sharp intake and sigh that escaped her lips as Dina’s hips drove into her core prompted the snarkiest, most triumphant smirks Ellie had ever seen on anyone across Dina’s face. Fingers gripped harder into the fabric of the taller girl’s shirt, indicating the pleasure Dina was receiving by her own motions.

There was no sight in the world as wonderful as seeing Dina atop her hips, rocking away, head thrown back and lip trapped between teeth, fingers tight and grabbing her shirt desperately, overwhelmed with pleasure. It was a sight she had only ever dreamed of.

But when Dina’s hands sneakily slipped under cloth, and began tracing soft, toned abs, Ellie’s entire mind came to a complete stop. It was something about the way that Dina leaned down and the smell of alcohol filled her senses, something about how savagely her hands splayed across her abdomen that brought Ellie crashing down to reality in that moment. And with all of the mighty strength and restraint she could possibly muster – despite her drunken, needy side pleading for her not to – she pushed Dina back up and scooted back farther on the bed, knocking Dina down from her hips, leaving her sitting on her shins. Dina looked at her with complete and utter hurt and confusion.

“What, Ellie?”

Catching her breath was the bigger challenge. She could hardly form a sentence from her lips from the lack of oxygen – oxygen that was robbed from her by the irresistible smaller girl who watched her carefully.

When Ellie didn’t respond, a drunk Dina took it as a green light to continue. She crawled back up Ellie’s muscled body, finding her lips again and flipping them over, hovering Ellie over her and holding her wrists in her hands that she placed above her head.

“Hold me down,” Dina’s pleading whisper sent a bolt of electricity down Ellie’s spine.

“Dina…” was the only word she could even muster.

_“Pin me down, Ellie,”_ Her slurred begging had Ellie reeling. Her wrists were still captured tightly by Dina’s hands, her hands placed above her head and sinking into the mattress.

Nothing but fear spiked through her then, despite the want for her that made her feel faint. Her eyes were wide as she could do nothing but stare down at the desperate girl below her who was _begging_ for her. Begging, but drunk.

“Just…” Dina slammed her hands down again, waiting for Ellie to hold them down by her wrists. “God, just hold me down. Control me, do what you want. _I need you–”_

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Ellie shakily cut her off, the tenderness and anxiety in her voice – the same kind Dina was always able to pick up on – completely ignored by the intoxicated girl.

“Please,” Dina’s hand dropped the hold on Ellie’s and dragged a finger seductively down a firm jawline. “I know you want to. I know you want me, too.”

It was almost as if all of the alcohol subsided from her system, because all of her sensibility and rationale finally came crashing down on her.

“I do…” she sighed with clenched teeth, a wince in her face. Reaching up and ripping her hand off, she threw it down beside her other one. “But not like this. It can’t be like this.” Ellie’s tone was pleading for Dina to get it.

Still, it seemed to fall on deaf ears. “I want this, Ellie, I’m telling you I want it,” she insisted. Dina reached down to grab the same floating hand that had stopped hers and captured her wrist once more. But instead of bringing Ellie’s hand above her own head, she started leading it down her body…

“No,” Ellie stopped it immediately, yanking her hand out of the drunk girl’s wrist. “You need to get home.” Her core hummed, in terrible need of attention and Dina’s words only making her more and more needy. Every ounce of her wanted to give in and give her the night of her life, but she knew she couldn’t. Morally, mentally, emotionally, and physically, she restrained herself. She picked herself up and off the girl beneath her, hurt spreading across Dina’s face.

“Please don’t go,” she begged, the desperation in her voice shifting from a lusty want to a pure need for Ellie’s comfort.

Once again, Ellie was frozen. The emotional rollercoaster she’d endured in just that short amount of time was almost too much. Sighing in defeat, she slipped down onto the bed beside Dina, eyes glued to the ceiling. Beside her, the shorter girl was quiet and reserved. Ellie couldn’t help herself – she turned to make sure Dina was okay.

She hadn’t expected to find the unusually quiet girl completely fast asleep next to her. Just mere moments before, she was begging for Ellie to touch her. And there she was, drifted off into sleep.

Staring in overwhelmed shock, Ellie chuckled to herself in disbelief at the rush of events. A hand found its place on her forehead.

“What have I done now?” She whispered into her chuckle.

Turning to face the sleeping girl next to her, she quickly wrapped her arms around a thin waist, helping Dina’s face to find a resting place in the crook of her neck. Instinctively, she nuzzled into the soft skin of Ellie’s neck, and a pair of arms reciprocated the embrace. It set Ellie’s organs aflame, and flapped the biggest butterfly wings in her stomach.

There would have to be a lot of explaining to do the next day.

***

_The night after her kiss with Kat was tumultuous, to say the least, as Kat had to help her home. Although Kat wasn’t all there herself, they both helped each other stumble home, Ellie leaning on Kat who was definitely more upright than she was in her high, drunk state. She just had more of a tolerance for it, where Ellie had much less._

_Ellie barely remembered the walk home – everything was dark and hazy and off-balance. The pressure in her stomach threatened to release the entire way home, and she could barely stand from the fatigue of constant discomfort._

_When she felt Kat lifting her up the stairs, she suddenly realized the terrible repercussions her actions would have when Joel opened the door and saw her in Kat’s arms the way that she was. But the knocking echoed in her hazy mind, and it was too late. She braced herself when she heard the squeaky doorknob turn and the heat from within the house hit her in the face in contrast to the cold atmosphere outdoors._

_“Oh, Jesus,” a deep, disgruntled voice protruded into her head, breaking her from her drunken, high trance, and completely filling her with shame. “Here, give her over.”_

_A careful transition into Joel’s comforting arms that held her tightly to keep her on her feet had her retreating back into the ecstasy she felt in her high from the weed, and from Kat’s lips. But it didn’t last long when a hefty, disappointed sigh escaped Joel’s lips, and played against the top of her head._

_“Thank you, Kat,” he mumbled a sweet goodnight before gently closing the door._

_Leading her over to the couches, Joel helped her sit down before thudding footsteps disappeared into the kitchen. As she felt herself slipping off to sleep, her head throbbed and spiked her with pain. She groaned and lifted a calloused hand to hold her head when a cold, icy, burning sensation covered her face, arms, and chest, causing her to gasp sharply and sit up in shock._

_When the air cleared, she saw Joel standing there with an empty bucket in his hand, a disgustedly disappointed look on his face. The mixture of ice water and the dissatisfaction in his face were enough to completely break her high and have her crashing down to Earth._

_He placed the bucket down and crossed his arms. “I’m not even gonna say anything. I’m just gonna wait for your explanation.”_

_The complete and utter disappointment in his voice devastated Ellie. Everything else from the exciting night faded away – the weed, the drinks, the kiss with Kat. All of it dissipated into the night sky, and all that was left was Joel standing there, his arms crossed and eyes digging into her soul._

_Ellie was genuinely speechless – what could she say that could make up for everything? She was raked with shame and disgust in herself for coming home like that._

_It was minutes before Joel spoke again, accepting Ellie’s silence angrily. “Let me ask you somethin’, Ellie,” he began to pace lightly, taking steps closer to her. “What is the one and only thing I ask of you?”_

_Hanging her head, unable to face him, she muttered the answer with humiliation. “To not do anything stupid.”_

_“I told you how long ago? Not to do nothin’ stupid,” His frustration was palpable. “Did you have fun tonight, Ellie?” It was entirely condescending. Ellie didn’t provide an answer. “I hope you had fun tonight, kid, because you’re in deep shit, you hear me?” He leaned forward as he continued to scold her. “Why? I don’t understand. Why did you think this was a good idea at all?”_

_Ellie bit her tongue, her revealing response trying to explode out the back of her throat. She had wanted nothing more than to impress Kat, to show her she was worth having around because she was risky and fun and reckless like her and all her friends. Ellie wasn’t a partygoer – she appreciated the peace and quiet up in her room or at the park with her guitar or a book more than she appreciated smoking and drinking late at night and hooking up with girls at a stranger’s house with music so loud it shook the floor._

_Joel’s irritation only grew from her silence. “Hello? Earth to Ellie? What, did the booze take your tongue off?”_

_Tears threatened to fall from her face as she still avoided eye contact with him. “I don’t know,” she murmured, mortified by the patronizing encounter with her adoptive father. She had a reason – an excuse, maybe – as to why she made the reckless decisions she made, but Joel’s chastising only drilled her sins further into her head._

_“You don’t know?” He leaned forward again, eyes widening in mock disbelief before the scowl returned. “What do you mean you don’t know? You had to be thinkin’ something when you walked in there, didn’t you?”_

_“Nothing that would make any sense to you,” she answered under her breath, indignity still laced in her voice._

_“You’re damn right it don’t make sense to me!” He was shouting then. “I never ask you for anything, Ellie. Not a god damn thing! I thought you were better than this.”_

_Ellie winced at his words – they struck her deep, and every word that was filled with lush disappointment drilled another hole into her heart. There was nothing that Ellie could think of, in the worn off haze from her night high, or in the dizzy state of her drunken mind, that would ever give a valid enough excuse for how terribly ashamed of her he sounded._

_“This ain’t the girl I raised,” It was as if a gunshot fired into her abdomen at the pain that statement alone brought her. “And I sure as hell won’t have you walkin’, no, havin’ your ass dragged because you can’t fuckin’ stand, in this house at sixteen years old. I expect more from you and you better expect more out of your damn self!”_

_His spurt of anger had Ellie speechless and as he panted under his breath, he came down from his angry high. “Do you have anything to say to me?” He demanded with a final force of distress, his voice breaking past his façade._

_“I’m sorry,” Ellie whispered, tears finally spilling over and cascading down her cheeks. “I was being stupid.”_

_“No kiddin’,” Joel sighed with defeat, his demeanor softening at the realization that she was crying. He always had that soft spot for her. Taking a seat beside her with an exhausted groan, he sat upright to face her. “Why did you do this? I mean, look at yourself…”_

_Ellie winced with shame before the dam broke. Everything crashed down in her and she knew the only explanation he deserved was the truth. All of those years, for weeks and months that turned years, she withheld the secret of her sexuality from him. She knew how much Joel adored her, and he loved her like his own daughter. But how would he react if he knew her secret – the secret that she wouldn’t ever have kids, have a decent life with a strong husband. What if that scared Joel?_

_“You, uh…” Fighting herself to talk, she eventually overpowered the urge to hold back. “You know that girl? The one that helped me home?”_

_“Kat?” He asked with a clueless raise of his eyebrow._

_She hoped her gulp wasn’t too loud. “Yeah, her,” her voice was shaky and full of anxiety. Joel picked up on it right away, but Ellie still tried to swallow it. “I, um… She really wanted me to go tonight, and I wanted to… spend time with her, and get to know her…”_

_“And what happened?” Joel asked with a certain firmness in his tone that caused Ellie’s anxiety to spike further._

_The sweat started to bead on her back as she managed the courage to come out with it. “I wanted to impress her…” Ellie’s shaky voice spoke volumes. But Joel’s face didn’t change. “I wanted to get her attention; I don’t know. It was stupid.”_

_There was a tense moment of silence before Joel spoke again. He just scanned her eyes, searching for any more answers, trying hard to read her face and read her expression like an open book sitting in front of him. “You’re damn right it was stupid,” he sighed and shook his head. “You know how many other ways there are to get a girl to look at you?”_

_Shock overran the young girl at his words. Joel was actually giving her advice on how to attract girls. He didn’t respond in outrage – no screaming, yelling, or silence._

_“Going to a party and getting drunk and high and whatever the hell else ain’t gonna get a girl attracted to you. If you want Kat to like you, just be your damn self, Ellie,” he sighed, almost begging her. “I reckon something happened between you two? She seemed a little frazzled herself.”_

_She didn’t even pay any attention to his question. She nearly cut him off with a rushed sentence. “Wait, you’re not mad?”_

_“Oh, I’m very mad,” he grumbled, implicating at her decision to go to the party, missing the meaning behind her question._

_“No,” she shook her head, rushed and frustrated. “I mean… the fact that I was trying to get the attention of a girl? And, you know… not a boy?”_

_Joel’s eyebrow rose to his forehead in confusion and puzzlement. “Why would I be mad?”_

_Relief flooded her like an ocean wave. There were no words she could possibly use to describe the feeling of solace that statement from him alone brought her. All of that time, she hid a part of her she wanted to share with him – hid it to avoid any discourse between them. As much as she knew Joel, she didn’t know that part about him._

_“What reason do I got to be mad at you?” He asked again, rephrasing. “You like a girl. Okay, and? You really expected me to be mad over that?”_

_“I mean… yeah,” Ellie’s voice was breathy, but her chuckle slipped out in her words. “I was kinda worried about that, yeah.”_

_“That’s stupid,” he huffed, dismissively. “I thought you were dumb for this–” he motioned to her whole body, implying her drunken state. “–but that’s worse.”_

_“Are y–”_

_Joel shushed her before she could respond at all. “Get your ass to bed, kiddo. No one’s gonna want you if you look like a hungover disaster tomorrow morning.”_

_“Wow, thanks,” Ellie said sarcastically with a roll of her eyes, but the teasing tone in Joel’s voice was blatant. His grin was inevitable as she stood, stumbling over the sudden weight of gravity pulling her on her two legs._

_Joel reached out a hand quickly to grab her and keep her steady, unable to suppress his chuckle. “Come on, I guess it’s my turn to drag you.”_

_***_

There was one night that Ellie’s mind briefly traveled to when she was off in her imagination, lost in her thoughts, as she was most times that she was without her smaller dark-haired sidekick.

One night, they were on the couch together. Joel’s absence that night served them well, and the comfortableness of the air around them had Ellie in a tranquility she couldn’t even begin to describe. The two of them were lazily lounging around, a pre-outbreak movie shining in the dim, lamp-lit living room. Dina wore a tank top and shorts that went up nearly to her groin, and Ellie was clad in a navy green t-shirt and boxers. Dina had convinced her not to wear anything over the boxers.

They were laying across the couch, Ellie’s back to the cushions, with Dina lying in front, leg nudged in between Ellie’s comfortably. Ellie’s arm hung off the edge of the couch, supporting Dina’s head and neck and allowing her to lay in closer. Her other arm was draped over the smaller girl, and Dina’s hand traced patterns gently into her forearm.

It took her a while to realize just what pattern it was Dina was tracing.

When she felt delicate fingers dip into the curves in her arm that she’d attempted desperately to hide, a curt gasp fell past her lips and she found herself instinctively ripping her arm away, anxiety gripping her.

Dina turned quickly, a hurt and confused look plastered across her face. “What, El?”

“What are you doing?” She demanded; panic laced in her voice.

The hurt turned to more confusion, which then turned to realization. Dina’s face softened, but she continued to talk as if she were clueless. “What am I doing?” She retaliated.

“Why are you touching there?”

“What’s wrong with it?” Dina asked defensively, a furrow of her eyebrows to accentuate her position.

“How did you know?” Ellie’s voice had barely calmed.

“About this?” She grabbed Ellie’s arm by the wrist and lifted it, twisting it gently and forcing her to look at the bite hidden by the green ink, but still visible to anyone who looked for it. “What, do you think I’m stupid?” There was jesting manner behind her scoff. “You think I didn’t know all those years you thought wearing one sleeve or a long-sleeved shirt would cover it up so I wouldn’t find out? I know more about you than you think, darling.” The tone sent a shiver down her spine from its sultriness and from the truth that had been unveiled.

Ellie could only gulp in response, the panic that had struck her slowly subsiding at the realization that Dina knew – she had known, all those years, and never breathed a word about it. She figured that maybe it was a comfort thing, and maybe Dina didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by pointing it out, but that was so out of Dina’s character that Ellie convinced herself that even thinking that was dumb.

“There’s nothing wrong with it, you know,” Dina was gentler then, easier on her voice and accepting in her manner. “It’s something so special about you.”

Her words took Ellie off guard, and she wanted more than anything to protest out of her own selfish insecurity, but everything in her brain told her to stay quiet and listen.

“Believe me,” Dina sighed. “I know how ashamed you are of this. I know what you tried to do with the acid before you got the tattoo.” The firm disappointment and empathy she felt for the girl was too much of a battle that got stuck in her voice as she spoke. “You’re a dumbass for being insecure about it, you know.”

Part of her wanted to laugh, part of her wanted to cry, and part of her wanted to yell at her. A strangled laugh that confused itself for defensiveness escaped as a result. “How?”

“Because if it weren’t for _that,”_ she brought her arm up and pressed her sweet lips against the covered imperfection. “I wouldn’t have _you._ I wouldn’t have Ellie Williams.” 

If there was ever any time before that act of absolute love, admiration, and kindness that had made her heart break, it was as far back as her coming out to Joel. Never in all her life had her heart swelled in her chest and exploded into a cascade of butterflies like Dina’s words to her. Her biggest insecurity might as well have been tranquilized on the spot.

The buildup of all of their tension, all of their flirtatiousness, all of their love and adoration all flooded her, at once, in waves, until finally she was drowning in the way she felt for Dina. There was no other way to convey that, not in her mind – there was no other way to show Dina her gratitude than leaning in and passionately pulling her lips into her own.

It took a mere moment for Dina to respond into Ellie’s kiss, pushing back harder as the taller girl moved with utmost passion. She had squeaked in surprise at the sudden move and the amount of fervor Ellie had demonstrated, and Dina was never one to back down from a zealous moment.

For what was just minutes felt like long hours of the night as they passionately kissed, over and over and over, on Ellie and Joel’s old gray couch, with no end in sight. There was no commotion to disrupt them, no one around to intrude on their vigorous moment. The drunken kisses felt nowhere near as wonderfully delicious as the ones from that night did.

As much as she enjoyed getting lost in recklessness with Dina, Ellie much preferred the ability to register when Dina’s hand snaked around the back of her neck to tug her in harder to deepen the kiss.

Even her kiss with Kat, she realized, would hold no merit to that one. It felt as if she were kissing her for the first time, yet, it felt as if this had been one of one thousand moments of passion they shared together in the endless recesses of the hot summer nights and the cold winter mornings.

It was that same night that their dramatic romantic buildup had ended with them in Ellie’s bed, void of clothing or spirit, their passion having reached its breaking point. That night was one Ellie thought of late at night, when her body called for Dina’s touch and craved the taste of the sweat on her skin.

Dina had been completely worn out from their night of desire, completely flush against the white bed sheets where she had laid still, panting and sweating, regaining her breath after Ellie had thrown her down and had her way with her. Ellie, on the other hand, laid beside her, equally as exhausted, her muscles sore from engaging in such a sport with Dina. There was no physical reward for her triumph in first place – only the sweet calls of her name into the night air and the explosion of pleasure only summoned by the tall redhead girl as she hovered above her, letting her fingers lead her.

“You know how to wear a girl out, Williams,” Dina laughed through her long breaths, the back of her hand resting against a slick forehead.

Turning to face her sweetly, head resting on her cupped hand, she smiled and gave a genuine laugh in response to Dina’s fascination at her ability to perform well during sex. It was one of the things she’d discovered with Kat that she never faced, but there was something intoxicating hearing Dina speak on Ellie’s rather impressive performance.

“Really?” Ellie pressed with a teasing tone. “You sure you didn’t wear yourself out?”

“Nah,” Dina turned to meet her eyes with the taller girl in the bed beside her. “Pretty sure this is all you, Red.” The seductive trailing of a hand down a perfect, smooth abdomen and the wink that accompanied the motion was enough to have knocked Ellie off her feet, had she been standing.

The sobriety of the night is what fueled her the most. When Dina slipped away into sleep, Ellie’s mind wandered to the wonderful ways Dina’s body had moved, all of the dizzying words that had been spilled into her ear in a heated whisper, the way Dina’s face contorted as waves of pleasure rolled over her when Ellie hit a good spot within her. It was how raw and excellent everything felt, knowing Dina wasn’t kissing her and touching her and letting her ravish her with even a droplet of alcohol hindering her judgment. Every action that had transpired between them – every kiss, every touch, every brush of their fingers down their bodies – it was all real and Dina would remember every waking moment that Ellie was the one bringing her pleasure.

Ellie welled with pride at the realization, her mind at ease knowing that she was the only one who Dina fancied in that moment; that she was willing to completely put Jesse on the backburner to make room for her. Part of her feared that this was all a social experiment, or a means to make the boy in question jealous. But when Dina was the one dragging Ellie down the hall and up the stairs and pulling her down onto the bed with her, much like at the party, all of that doubt evaporated from her mind.

Finally, something had put her mind at ease, and it had only taken six years for Dina to be the one to have done so.

***

_“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Ellie’s anxiety got the best of her as she sat rather impatiently, inching around in her chair, waiting for the small blonde to reappear with the needle, the ink, and the sketch Ellie has put together a few weeks before._

_A sultry laugh sounded from behind her, and unfortunately, the head of the chair was blocking her line of sight which allowed her to eagerly get a glance at the tools being used in her impulsive mistake._

_“You should relax,” Kat teased. “You’re literally only making my job harder.”_

_Taking a plump lip between nervous, chattering teeth, Ellie did her best to keep quiet and just tough it through. She knew her cowardice and her apprehension were only making her look worse, at the end of the day. But she couldn’t help it – especially not when Kat set a huge needle the size of a small cat on the mini table next to her chair._

_“Oh, my fucking God,” her panic came out through her speaking – all of the anxiety ripped from her throat like a helpless refugee. “Get that fucking thing away from me.”_

_Another laugh had Ellie glaring in the smaller girl’s direction, which she had been desperately trying to avoid, given the large object placed just in front of her, keeping her from looking over out of sheer unease._

_“You are the one that came here to bother me,” Kat retorted playfully. “The door’s open, Freckles. You too scared? I’ll see your cute ass later, then.”_

_Mockingly, Kat stood and grabbed a hold of her tools, tricking a gullible, frightened Ellie into believing she’d leave._

_“This is my first time ever doing anything like this,” Ellie admitted in sheer frustration. “And, I uh…”_

_“You’re scared of needles?” Kat’s eyebrow that arched as she finished her sentence mixed with her tone were far too snarky for Ellie’s liking._

_But when Ellie didn’t answer, Kat couldn’t help but laugh again, despite the death glare she received in return. “You’re so cute,” she gushed, injecting the ink into the needle gun. “It’s not even that bad.”_

_Ellie had discovered Kat’s secret talent months into their expedition with each other. It had taken many weeks for Kat to open up, but when Ellie had gotten her hands on Kat’s sketchbook, there was no denying her talent, regardless of how much she fought it. And after some rough convincing, Kat started a job at the miniature “tattoo parlor” at the back of Jackson’s only real bar. She was quick to accustom to it, and soon she became a favorite within the community. And it had been Ellie’s turn to take the plunge and trust her skin to the artistic teenager._

_“You say that with a god damn weapon in your hand,” Ellie protested miserably, tensing as she got closer with it. “You’re about to repeatedly stick that thing in my arm. This isn’t a feather duster, Katelyn, this is a fucking weapon.”_

_She seemed surprised hearing her full name, but she was quick to retaliate. “You are such a pain in the ass.”_

_Lowering the needle closer to her skin, she looked up as Ellie continued to talk, freezing just before it touched down._

_“You’ve practiced the sketch before, right?” She asked, worriedly. “You know what you’re doing, right?”_

_“Ellie,” Kat rolled her eyes with a hearty laugh. “I’ve got you, don’t worry. Plus, it’s very familiar, isn’t it?”_

_Ellie knew right away what she was alluding to, and she couldn’t help but bear a smile. “I don’t know, does it look familiar?” Playing stupid earned her a narrow-eyed smile which quickly morphed into that beautiful, genuine one._

_“No idea where you possibly could’ve gotten this one from.”_

_Looking just behind her, the mirrors in the dimly light parlor had perfectly aligned with Kat’s back. When she took a closer look, she was able to make out the shape of the beautiful moth tattoo that had been imprinted on the back of Kat’s neck, the same one being designed on her arm. There was no other expression of emotion on Ellie’s face but a smile, even as the needle touched down on her skin._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> This is another of the Tumblr requests I received for these two.
> 
> My tumblr handle is @lmontyy, and I take any and all requests, (so long as they're not unreasonable or crazy!) but I'm very easygoing when it comes to writing, and do enjoy writing for others. Any and all questions or inquiries may be directed to my inbox here or on tumblr. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


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